Mommy's Moment 03/8/2008

I think one of the hardest lessons to learn is that God is sufficient. We say it in church all the time. We say we believe it... but when it comes down to it, we-or I guess I should say "I"-don't really evidence that in my life. It's easy to think He's enough when things are easy in life... but when they get tough, I tend to rely on other things or other people to sustain me. This week, God has been teaching me that HE is ENOUGH. HE is what I need. HE is Who I need to rely on, not Keith or great reports from the doctor. It's not been an easy lesson, and I have a feeling that I haven't completely learned it yet and will have to have more lessons in the future.

It's been a very difficult week for me. Physically, I'm completely exhausted. I'm normally an 8-hour a night sleeper but now I get about 3 hours at a time. I started back to work and am trying to do 8 hours worth of work in about 5 each day so I can spend the majority of my afternoons with Jonathan. My hormones are still out of whack, so I get very emotional very easily. -And the toughest thing has been that this has been a tough week for Jonathan. While I know that going back on the ventilator has been the best thing for him and I totally trust his doctors, respiratory techs, and nurses, it has still felt like a huge step backwards and I only want to move forward. One afternoon, all of Jonathan's monitors started screaming at once and his respiratory tech came running over with a very serious look on her face. I was asked to wait in the waiting room so they could do what they needed to help my son. Those were an agonizing 10 minutes filled with fear at what was happening. As it turns out, his ventilator tube had come out of place and he had to be reintubated. It's not an uncommon occurrence, and he was fine. I, on the other hand, was a wreck!

During some of the hardest moments this week, I've asked God why He would cause or allow these tough things to happen in my life-especially when I didn't have Keith at my side to lean on and to strengthen me. The resounding answer in my heart has been, "Because, My child, I am all you need. I am enough." The truth is that I need Him more than I need Keith's shoulder to lean on, more than I need sleep, more than I need less stress in my life, even more than I need Jonathan to be ok 100% of the time. Christ has been sufficient for me this week even though it has been hard and exhausting physically and emotionally. He has sustained me when I thought I would just melt into a puddle of tears, when I was afraid, when I received disappointing news... He has been the one in control of everything. Nothing is a surprise to Him and nothing happens without His causing or allowing it to happen.

I've learned a lot these last three weeks. I've learned about things like Tidal Volume on a ventilator , O2 saturation levels, CO2 levels. I've learned even more what an amazing blessing it is to have such supportive, loving friends and family. I've learned that it is possible to function on way too little sleep. But, the most important thing I've been learning this week is that Christ is sufficient, no matter what is happening in my life. I wish I could say that I've already learned the lesson... but I'm not always a very good student. Thankfully, my Teacher is patient and loving even when He's teaching me a hard lesson.